Oh lord it seems like a very long time ago. Chronologically it's only 3 years, but in my mind it feels like 300 years. It feels like too many things have happened during these 3 years, too much more than I can think of, too much more than I can bare. I am losing my mind.
My tears have dried in my eyes, my blood stopped running through my veins, my whole body does not exist in its materialistic form, but it looks like I'm living in some kind of trance, locked in some space that is neither of this world not if the next. I can't define myself as a humane being anymore, nor I fit the general criteria for an animal, a rock may have clearer emotions than me.
I can't distinguish myself from the people around me, I am like a ghost living in world where nobody notices it, this ghost is neither dead, nor dead, the only thing he is capable of doing is to observe the living. Neither capable of participating in normal human beings everyday life, nor can he have peace for his trapped soul.
3 years of total alienation and estrangement from the world of the living, driven into an undesired oblivion is how I live now after the so called liberation. Everyday I see people I don’t recognize, I speak a language strange to my tongue, I eat food not familiar to my stomach, I drink water that doesn’t mix with my blood, I breath air that doesn’t pass through my lungs, everything feel strange.
But that’s nothing compared to being a stranger in your own country, to your own people, being alienated by your won brothers and sisters just because you are different, just because you don’t see what they see, and most importantly because you are who you are. It is so painful to be rejected by someone whom you felt that now you could connect with, now you could share your ideas and dreams freely without being judged. It turns out that I was being judged for who I am, it doesn’t matter what I think, it doesn’t matter what I believe, it doesn’t matter what I say, for them I am who I am, and there is nothing I can do to change that.
It is so to sit and watch while the people who said they were going to change things are going the same mistakes the other person did, to watch them pass judgments on people who their only fault is they follow this religion or that, this sect or that, this ethnicity or that.
It is so hard to see everything you dreamed of, everything you know and familiar with, everything you grew up to believe, everything they taught you, everything was just a lie, and it's just a game, and you are the only loser in this game.
3 years have passed and I'm still here, I'm still at the same spot I was in 3 years ago, I did not reach anything, I did not accomplish anything, I still haven’t adjusted to the situation. I still live 3 years ago, I still remember the new years eve of 2003 and the party me and my friend threw, I still remember my day in college, I still remember my friends as they were 3 years ago, I still remember what we used to do, I still remember how much we used to have, I still remember my father who is not here anymore, I still remember my mother who is neither here not there, I still remember my brother and his smile that I rarely see these days, I still remember my father telling me to go bring his the latest movies on CDs, I still remember watching there movies together is his study, I still remember him telling me to go get him kebab for dinner from his favorite restaurant, I still remember the smell of his cigars, I still remember the sound of him whistling when got him, he always did that, everyday when he walks through the door he whistles to announce his arrival, I sill remember all of that, but all of that is no more, in this world that I'm living in, in this time in which we live in, all of that is no more. Where did it all go? What happened that made it disappear? I don’t know, I honestly don’t know.
3 years of being lost, 3 years of suffering, 3 years of depression, 3 years of me not being me. 3 years have passed and I'm afraid that I'm going to forget all that, I'm afraid that I'm going to forget who I was and wake to see that this person I am now is it, wake up to find that this person is the real me, and all of what happened was just a dream, all of that love was just a fantasy, all of those feelings were no true. I'm afraid that I forget all that.
My eyes are sunken with tears, but they wont just fall down, they wont even give the peace everybody feels after they cry, maybe they are afraid that if they fall, I might fall with them, maybe I might change, maybe suppressing that sorrow inside of me is just a way of keeping me in that time, maybe, I am not sure of anything anymore.
Lord have mercy on your son.
"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer, my god is my rock in whom I take refugee. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold" Psalms 18:2
posted by LORD @ 4:26 PM
2 Comments:
Very sad post. I really can say nothing to comfort you. All you are saying is true and it's affecting all Iraqis. I know I shouldn't be saying this, but I'm really pessimistic about Iraq with the US and Iranians vandalizing the country. I don't know if you are still in Iraq, but if you are then please consider leaving with your family...for a short time, but maybe for good. Sorry for depressing you even more, I just don't want to tell you lies.
You left me speechless. I felt every single word you’ve written. Things are getting from bad to worse and no one wants to believe that. We believed that freedom will take us to the other coast but it seems it left us in the ocean with no help. If you can swim, you’ll survive. If not, you’ll die drowning.
May God help us all.
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