Sunday, March 19, 2006

17 March

Couldn’t sleep, turning in my bed, just couldn’t stop thinking, but I still I couldn’t figure it out yet, 4:00 am it is now and still can't sleep. Have you ever had this strong feeling that just keeps you awake all night? It's doesn’t have a name but I bet everybody experienced it at least once. I am so sleepy, but I just can't close my eyes.
I was thinking of what I am , who I am , what would become of me, what path should I take, but along the way I drifted to long forgotten memories, old memories, most of them so far away and distant that I can only see a vague picture. Some are happy and some are depressing, the happy ones make you laugh when you think of them, but at the end, when you realize where you are, when you realize that those happy memories have long passed, when you realize that the time and space that you live in right now has nothing to offer you but memories, you just get depressed. I still don’t understand what happened, how it happened so fast is far beyond my modest intelligence, how did I reach this place is similar to a mathematical equation which I could not solve for a hundred years. It just doesn’t make any sense to me, one day we were good, the next day everything fell apart, the world as I know it is no more.
I can put up with everything, losing my home, my family, my friends, my life, my future, I really can put up with all this, all I need is an apology, all I need is someone to say that he or she made a bad call and screwed up, seriously, that’s all I need to finally have some peace. 3 years since the war started and no one has apologized yet, no one took the blame for what happened in Iraq, no explained to me what really happened and whose responsible, not a single person. Mr. Moses …. I'm sorry, I mean Mr. Bush, acknowledged that is not going well in Iraq, but he blamed the insurgents and the Iraqi government for it, I don’t know who told him that, the guy who writes his speeches, or maybe god, since he directly speaks to him. I wonder is he has one of these red phones to call the lord to receive instructions. If I say that god speaks to me, if I say that I hear voices, they will send me to a nut house faster than light speed, but this guy got elected for tow terms as president of the world's only super power…. Crazy world.
But if god truly speaks to the president, then I guess Mr. Bush is not telling him the right stuff, which leads the lord to make some bad decisions. I think he told the lord that Iraqis are so happy with the Americans, and these road side bombs are just fireworks, he tells him that America can't pull out the troops, so they say these people were killed in order to bring them back home, and that coffins are just camouflage. Maybe he tells him they found loads on WMDs in Iraq that they had to give some to charity because they don’t have enough ships to load them on. Maybe he tells him that when they found Saddam Hussein in that hole, they found in his wallet pictures of him and Bin Laden playing golf. Maybe he tells him that those 150.000 dead Iraqi people are not really dead, but they are alive and well, and they were taken to Miami to enjoy the beach. Maybe he tells him that they were only joking with these prisoners in Abu Gharib, and these torture marks are just make-up for a horror movie they were planning to shoot there. I'm just guessing here, whatever it is that he tells god, I'm sure that it's the wrong thing
It's doesn’t matter if he speaks to the lord or not, he can speak to roger rabbit for all I care, I still need my apology, I'm still waiting to hear someone say "hey, we are sorry for your loss", but come to think of it, no American president has ever apologized to his people, let alone other people. But I'll keep waiting, I’ll sit here in my room, in front of my TV and wait for some to say I'm sorry, maybe then I can go one with my life, maybe then this pause which lasted for 3 years now will come to an end. I know I can't my 3 years back, I know I can't turn back time, I know the dead will not come back to life, I know what done can not be undone, I know all that, I know a simple word can't set things straight, but oh god it would make me feel good, it going to put an end to this struggle in my mind, it's going to answer this painful question "am I dreaming?". I still need an apology for this stupid war, I still need someone to apologize for what happened to my country, maybe them I can move on.
Maybe them I can rest.
God be with all of us.
17 March 2006


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