I was talking to some friends the other day on the Yahoo messenger, friends I haven’t talked to for a long time; I mean really talk to… I found out something that I did not know was there, my friends have changed, not in a bad way though. They have grown up, most of them are married, many of them have at least one child, they talk about many things that I don’t share with them. That's what struck me; I haven't aged one day passed April 9th 2003. I still tell the same jokes, the same puns, the same memories still linger in my mind. They all have new memories, ones I know nothing about. It's like I am everybody's friend, but I am nobody's best friend. Maybe I wasn’t someone's best friend anyway, but at least I didn’t feel it.
They have all grown passed me, they all adjusted to life as it is, while I'm still crying over a long forgotten past for many people, looking at the pictures of glorious days and crazy nights, trying to find in my heart the remnants of a lost love, fighting to keep the picture of that love alive in my mind, daydreaming of things I don’t have no more, and things that I won't have ever. I am living an alternate life, I am living every life but my real life. I lie to myself to get through the day, thinking that sleep will swallow my nights, trying, without any luck so far, to forget the nightmares.
Oh the nightmares…..
They have all gown up and left me alone, unable to communicate with anybody like I used to do, unable to feel the overflowing emotions of true friendship. They have these emotions still, they show these emotions still, they say whatever they can to demonstrate it, but I just can't feel it anymore, because they have changed, and I am still the same. They have grown up, and I didn't.
Everything has changed around me, not in a good way this time, from bad to worse…. Here…. There…. All the same.
I know people get depressed during the holidays, but what about people who are depressed all the time? Including the holidays? I don’t know where I am anymore, I see the street I'm walking on, I know the streets. But I am not here, they streets reshape to look like the streets I once knew, the buildings disappear, and other buildings appear in their stead, buildings I once knew. I know these streets are not the same, I know these buildings have changed, but I am still the same, and I still see the same.
I lost my train of thoughts; I don’t know what I should say anymore. Perhaps I should say nothing more.
Merry Christmas everyone, and happy new year.
posted by LORD @ 3:15 PM
2 Comments:
You're not alone, my friend. Ani a7is nafs il shee.
In the last 8 weeks or so, I am starting to come out of almost 4 years of depression.
People tell me my world view is too big because I suffer over the pains of all of humanity instead of focusing on my own life. I find it hard to step back from the daily bad news of the occupation of Iraq, the losses, the idea that I can't do anything to ease the sorrow. It just doesn't seem fair to me to not think about it, acknoledge it.
I have found that listening to certain music helps to create a calmer and more - dare I say it - optimistic.
While I have no delusions about the coming crash of the US economy, the lack of rational thought by the loonies controlling this country or the melting ice caps at the poles, I am finding that living without hope does not serve anyone.
I am fortunate in the respect that I have a husband and 5 very very close long time friends. They are all my blessings and I know that what we share matters.
"Everything has changed around me, not in a good way this time, from bad to worse..."
There is a song called "Everything's Changed But My Name" that you might like.
Go to
http://www.archive.org/details/mFranti2006-11-13.Pittsburgh_MrSmall_2006-11-13.sbd
and in the grey box on the right, select song # 20 (there are arrows to scroll in the end bar).
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